Friday, November 16, 2012

do it, afraid!

the last time i was this afraid we were in the mountains...

it was a snowy day...i found myself driving the standard truck on the road that was chiseled out of the side of a mountain.  below the steep drop off from the icy road were rocks and the frozen snake river.

fear suffocated me.  i did everything but curse in front of my family.  sweat trickled down my back while my hands felt frozen clutching the steering wheel as if our lives depended on it. 

i told mountain man what i thought of him..."i can NOT believe you are making me do this.  you are so mean.  {if i didn't say that i most certainly was thinking it.}  this is no time for me to practice.  this is dangerous."

he just said, "you can do it..."  looking back, i'm thankful to have a husband who believes in me but at the time?  not so much.

everyone sat there while i threw a fit.  i yelled.  sobbed.  literally shook in my cowgirl boots.  the truck was silent besides the running engine and my tirade.  i glanced at the kids in the backseat their eyes big as saucers.  "oh man, i can't believe the kids are seeing this..."  i prayed and cried some more while everyone waitied patiently.  all my pride went right out the window.

after i got it all out of my system, i put the truck in gear and slowly inched forward.  

of course, we all lived to tell about it. but barely.

flash forward to a few weeks ago.

i heard a song that literally helped melt the unforgiveness and bitterness that had weighed me down for almost my entire life.  i was enjoying my new found freedom from my old burdens when i heard the Lord whisper, "now...tell the people at church about it and play them the song."


"say what?  who me?  surely, you're kidding.  you do have a sense of  humor, is this your idea of a wild joke because honestly i can't find it in me to laugh...or to obey."

"tell them your story and play them the song..."

oh dear.  i told mountain man that night as we layed across our bed talking.  he looked at me and i looked back.  neither one of us said anything.  

because if you know me, you know that my face gets red just *thinking* about doing anything in public. my extended family can testify that i get nervous just having their eyes on me while telling a story.  i would get sick to my stomach when oral reports were due in school and please...i've tried for the past twenty something years to forget what happend when my dad made me try out for a play. oh, the misery of it...a singing munchkin disaster.

seriously...put me behind the scenes but please...not on stage. and certainly not behind a podium.  

i "forgot" about the Lord's words for a few weeks. but, something inside me was unsettled.  i felt out of sorts.  i wasn't at peace.

then i heard it...

"tell them your story and play them the song..."

oh...for the love of biscuits...yes, i want to obey and yes, i want this feeling of running away from God long gone.  just for good measure the Lord gave me tickets to a brandon heath concert.  i listened as brandon spoke of his personal fear and reluctance to be on stage {he wanted to write songs and be behind the scenes!} but how the Lord was using Him to touch people...point taken.

so...i lined up a time at church for me to speak.  and speak i did.

i read a heart felt letter recounting my experience of becoming broken before the Lord which led to forgiveness for a dearly loved one.  the burdens i have carried around since childhood are gone!  if that's not something to give God glory for then i don't know what is.  

i read, "i feel this is the last step to my personal healing process but it may just be the first step of yours." there were tears, praising God, people at the altar and lots of hugs afterwards.  wow.

{let me say here that we are way blessed to be in a church where we are totally accepted to be ourselves.}

my theory is that if my life ~ my story~ my suffering ~ the roads i chose ~ if any of that can help someone else than i will put my fear aside one hundred times one hundred times.

of these things i'm sure:  we all have our own stories.  and we are all on this earth for HIM and for HIS glory. 

i'm not writing this to pat myself on the back because well, i don't deserve it.  i can honestly say it was not by my own strength that i was able to stand in front of 80 people and tell them my very personal story.  He was holding me up.  He gave me a peace that passes all understanding.  my face wasn't even red {so they say.}

my point?  you know i always have one.

i am called.  you are called.  we all have our own gifts and talents, even in the face of fear.  in fact, it's in the desperate-shaking in your boots - red-faced times where we realize that with Him we CAN do that He's called us to do, if we choose to step out of the boat.  He's got our backs.  and, His greatness is seen through our weaknesses.  and i have a lot of weaknesses.

i'm eternally grateful that He is so strong.  because without Him, there's a good chance i would have passed smooth out on that stage...i can picture it now...

good gravy...first mama freaked out in the mountains and now she passed out in front of everyone at church...what's next?

good question.


  1. Wonderful post! He does give us the strength we need when we need it! Have a wonderul weekend!!

  2. It is fantastic that you ended up putting your own feelings aside and in obedience you ended up blessing and touching so many people for the Lord. Well done!

  3. YES, YES, YES!!! We are called! For me it always seems He calls me into things that I feel incapable of accomplishing well. It definitely forces me to to lean on Him and not on my own strength or ability. LOVED this post!

  4. WOW... I knew it... you'll be a speaker yet:)))

  5. THAT is an awesome story! I'm so proud of you for laying your fears aside. Praise the Lord for your obedience~ has been a struggle for me through the years, but I'm working thru it! My youngest son has had issues with it as well...we have prayed thru and found scriptures to help and for that I am so grateful...God's word...sharper than any double edged sword~helping fight the fear!

  6. You sure do shine the love of the Lord PERFECTLY! Awesome job!

  7. trying to get caught up with you today....

    Thanks for a lovely post....oh how I long to be obedient... waht a gift of sharing He called you too


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